Uninspired and Burnt Out (on my birthday)

Thursday, July 21st, 2016

 

Lately I haven’t been feeling quite myself. I have been in a spiritual funk. Between the world going topsy turvy and personal friendships going to hell in a hand basket, I wonder why I even bother to do anything anymore. I wonder if I’m making a difference in the world. Am I being successful? What does that even mean? Am I bringing beauty into the world? What defines us? What legacy will I leave behind? What am I teaching my son?

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This has been the weirdest week ever. My son was recently baptized in the Roman Catholic Church. He will probably be one of the last in his generation considering how things are going for the Church. Hell! He’s probably the last generation that’ll ever go through Saint Benedict Joseph’s doors. The event made my family more than happy. It made the family feel whole and complete again just like the good old days when we had huge parties like this all the time. I still can’t believe I am a mother now.

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I recently met on twitter this other occultist who seems legit. He is definitely challenging the way I look at things. The conversations we’ve been having seem to fill a void. An answer to the stagnant decay within. It’s been ages since I spoke of philosophy and art history to anyone. It was refreshing but then everything slowly spiraled into obsession. I realize I have been dumbing myself down for years. I didn’t want to hurt those around me or bore people to death. I continue to dishonor myself with polite ideologies and systematic societal programing. It’s slowly killing me having to conform to anything. I need to rebel. The standard of anything is not enough for me. i want more. I require more. I require perfection.

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I had a wonderful momentum in previous months creating and launching content for my site. I’m truly proud of the work I have been doing and accomplishing. July has always been a month of vacation and rest for everyone. I should know this by now. I can’t help but complain. I’m a workaholic after all. I long for the beach though. I miss swimming in the ocean and falling asleep on the sand. It’s been far too long.

This weekend, I will sneak away and jump in the car. I don’t care where the road takes me. I just want to ride, smoke a cig while drinking coffee listening to classic rock on the radio. I want to dance like I used to and strip down to my skin letting the sun caress me like a lover.

Next month I’ll be working like crazy but right now…I get to be busy doing nothing.

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